Perfectionism. A double edge sword.
You know you are a perfectionist when…
You either do something to the fullest, or you don’t do it at all.
People are impressed at how much you accomplish or your skill.
You may be called a go getter - you get great grades, you’re an excellent employee, you maybe even be an entrepreneur.
You get anxious about mistakes. Your self worth is tied to your accomplishments, and therefore to your failures as well.
You believe some people like you for the things you do, not necessarily who you are.
You are critical of yourself, maybe of others as well.
The good and the bad
Perfectionism can be a hard thing to let go of. You get great feedback from people and the reward of success can fuel it, making perfectionism seem like a good thing. When you’re on a role, you feel great!
Until you burn out. Or until the pressure builds so much that you find yourself avoiding things you really value for fear or failure, anxiety or exhaustion. Then that failure creeps into your impression of yourself, it attacks your self-worth.
So what do we do about it?
We learn to tame it. To shift away from the black and white - success vs. failure. We find the grey.
Perfectionism can lead to thoughts that say your worth is defined by how well you execute a project, task, etc. Together we will help you see that your worth is not defined by what you do, but by who you are. This looks like:
Recognizing your thoughts when the perfectionism creeps up. Identifying the black and white nature of those thoughts and shifting to the grey, to seeing situations in a new way.
Identifying your values. Reminder: values are NOT the same as goals! I know you have plenty of goals, perfectionists often do. But values are more about the things that matter to you, the traits that matter to you, and why. Goals are things you can check off of a list or write on your resume. Check out this post about values.
Finally, we set challenges that will encourage you to do good enough, to make mistakes. Yes, we’re talking about NOT doing things perfectly and yes, this can be uncomfortable! However, it can be a huge step in finding that grey, finding your worth, and finding what matters (not just what matters to the perfectionism). And it is only temporary!
What is wrong with perfectionism?
Nothing - if it isn’t negatively impacting your life. But for many people perfectionism often leads to anxiety and/or depression. It creates anxiety about the potential of making mistakes, past mistakes, or worrying what people will think. The moments of perceived failure can lead to feelings of depression, feeling like you’re not good enough, or avoiding things that matter to you because you’re afraid to fail again.
Ideally, in learning to manage your perfectionism, we would work on ways to utilize that passion for things that truly matter to you, let things be “good enough” in other areas, and find the confidence in yourself to value yourself whether you succeed for fail.
